My love story in a letter

December 8, 2018

Dear John,

Today five years ago you died in my arms despite my whispers of love and begged you to hang on tight as we waited for the ambulance to take you to the hospital.

You refused to breathe more as you gave me that last look of kindness, love, peace, gratitude.

I couldn’t understand then how could you surrender to death so quickly!

We talked about defying death. We agreed to hold hands and face death together.

How come you went ahead?

Then i also recalled one special conversation that continues to tug at my heart even until now:

John: “I pray to God that I go first, because if you go ahead of me, I wouldn’t know what to do with my life. I’d be a wreck, I’d die everyday without you. But you, you are stronger emotionally, I know you’ll be okay without me.”

You also had aversions about hospitals.
Again, I remember our conversation when you were in the hospital for nearly three months because of multiple fracture on your left knee from a fall from our verandah...

John: “Mine, please no more hospitals for me even if i’m near death. I don’t want to die anywhere else, but home. If you insist, I will will myself to die.”

When you had that massive cardiac arrest on December 8, 2013 I whispered to you to hang on because I was gonna take you to the hospital.

You vehemently moved your head to a big “NO” and I cuddled you until your last breath... but I still took you to the hospital!

On the road inside the ambulance amid heavy traffic i felt your cold soul all over me. You hugged me for a good one minute or so... i couldn’t cry! I just closed my eyes and whispered “I know you love me, but please... live!”

I watched the caretakers at the crematorium washed your beautiful body. I covered you with your favourite clothes and swatch shoes and tucked your dentures into your mouth (even if you didn’t like it)... and for the very last time I whispered, “Thank you for a blissful, loving and wonderful life with you. I love you but my heart bleeds right now.”

Viewing your remains for 10 minutes before you were cremated was probably the most loving yet painful experience in my lifetime!

I stood rigid, frigid, cold, lifeless. My gaze fixed on you. It was eternity. Acceptance was hard and difficult.

Holding and bringing home that white square box with your ashes in it made me think about death, about love, about pain, about life some more...up close and personal.

What I felt through all these years was of profound awakening and expanded consciousness;

- You are ENOUGH and perfect. Nothing and no one exist in your life but yourself. The people you love, the family you have, the experiences and milestones in your life are reasons, seasons, lessons and ephemeral tools to guide your journey to self-evolution into the next dimension of your being.

- Life is the grandest meditation with LOVE as the constant, unconditional guide, the highest, most powerful energy frequency to connect us to the highest source of our being.

- We need to evolve every single day because life is not measured in time nor numbers... anything, everything and even nothing are “for our highest good!”

- NOW and HERE is the best time and place to live, to love, to forgive, to be kind, to be happy, to be at peace with yourself, to be grateful...because Eternity is within the blink of an eye, even less than a sec...

So, today I write an seal this letter for you to continue your evolutionary journey in parallel with my own evolution here and now.

I wish though that somewhere along those parallel lines today, you would pause... i need that tight bear hug as we always whisper, “I love you like I love my life!”

Goodbye, John! I know what happiness is now because i knew what pain and sadness were!

With all my love,

Mine